Mars Explorer finds queue in village Post Office.
Scientists vow to "come back when it's less busy".

Trepanning's Martian Twin Town

Scientists at Trepanning's Mars Explorer Mission have found new evidence that life exists in a recently discovered twin town on the red planet. But the cock-a-hoop boffins were crestfallen when their Remote Explorer vehicle was unable to send back the conclusive clotted cream sample because of long queues at the Martian village's Post Office.

"I thought it was shite", said Lead Cream Scientist Angarrack Malabar, "we've spent thousands of Truros on this mission so we should have sent up some International Reply Coupons to get the samples back, but oh no, we can't have that, can we? Huh?"

"You bastards: I quit", added the former Lead Cream Scientist.

It is widely believed that Reply Coupons were mooted early on in the mission, but were ruled out on account of their weight. "On a mission of this sort, every last gram is crucial", says Head of Weight, John Bonham. "It's all payload, payload and payload. Nothing else matters. We had to scale down many of the Research Unit's experiments because they were just too heavy. Or too dull."

Flight Director Dave Bagel, formerly of Trepanobus Coach Tours, agrees: "Yeah. a lot of their experiments were far too heavy and there were some things that were much more important and, much more importantly, much less dull. Things like maps, wine gums and a stewardess to serve light refreshments, crisps, biscuits and hot and cold beverages."

Meanwhile, Mission Control have vowed to return next year with specially developed miniature rockets that can accelerate a single pot of clotted cream to escape velocity so that it can make its way back for scientific evaluation. Timing is crucial for this second mission as flight technicians are planning to slingshot the cream around Jupiter "for a bit of a laugh".

Quantum Botanists breed new anti-flower
Scientists "victims of their own success" as bloom feels resentment towards parents

Scientists at Trepanning's University of the Third Eye (UTE) have developed what they describe as the "last word in horticultural excellence", the Sentient Quantum Lotus. But the new plant, Quantantherus Antiflorabunda - "Marquis de Sade", was already at the centre of a controversy yesterday when three scientists working on the bloom spontaneously disappeared.

"At this stage", said a UTE spokescientist, "we're not sure where they are, but we do find their disappearance intellectually stimulating and are sure to work on the problem until its resolution - or at least until something more interesting comes up." Meanwhile, families of the missing botanists ate an entire meal without being reminded of the ecological importance of potatoes and were reported as being "devastated, but making the most of it".

The anti-flower - the world's first conscious bloom - was developed by light-speed cross-pollination in UTE's new White Magic Particle Accelerator earlier this year. The flower has no roots and survives purely on the energy it can derive from being alive, but botanists were not expecting it to bloom for at least another 23 years when it would assume full adult status and be ready to look after itself in the wild. In the meantime, botanists were planning to break the news about the bloom's origins to the plant at an "appropriate time". Caught out by the flower's rapid growth, scientists believe it may have overheard laboratory talk about its real parents and now harbours feelings of resentment and sociopathic behaviour patterns.

"I guess everything grows up fast these days", said Professor Hardy Polphetamine, in a statement issued yesterday, "and I suppose this is the kind of behaviour we have to expect of teenagers - it's not really their fault."

More problems emerged last night as scientists discovered the flower missing from the laboratory. It was found early this morning in Awsom Wells Wood, apparently drunk and systematically destroying other blooms "just for the hell of it". As the morning moves on, a team of behavioural therapists and plant training experts are moving in with a large pot, some horticultural twine and a collection of large stakes.
"It's the only language they understand", said an onlooker, "I say bring back National Service."

Huge bribe secures Council decision to reject corruption.
New recommendations to combat corruption were passed unanimously at last night's meeting of the Town Council following a massive offer of money to do so from Crisis Management - the Council's finance and efficiency consultants.

Crisis Management's briefing document Back Yourself Out From Sticky Corners by Lubricating Your Staff and Greasing Your Own Palm was published last year in the wake of failed attempts to locate the physical end of ex-Councillor DeLorean's expense accounts. An expedition of accountants sent to track down the final figures of the disgraced official's books returned empty handed, though several species of small mammal and a new type of bamboo were discovered along the way by expedition biologists.

In a further change to hit the Parish Noticeboard, the man who looks after the drawing pins now wants Mondays off and wishes to work on Thursdays and Fridays instead. After a marathon debate, lasting 12 hours, the council agreed having reached a decision without the aid of financial sweeteners or inducements of any kind.